Competition

I used to think I wasn't competitive. I didn't realize that not competing in athletics had little to do with my competitive streak. But I am. I just hide it. In card games I can recount the order of play, sometimes for several games and go back to see what I could have done better.

I don't like the idea that I'm competitive. But I think it's sometimes a human trait to find disgusting in others is either that in which we have no interest or that which we are trying to deny in ourselves. And so for a number of years I avoided obvious competition and ignored some of my own nature.

Yet there are good things in competition, even though I don't like some of the aspects of my own nature that are competitive. Preparing for a race can help encourage one to stay healthy and fit just as overtraining for the race can break down one's health. taking the competition in the proper spirit can lead to benefits and overdoing the competition can lead to a sense of failure.

My competitive streak was hidden for me by my perfectionistic streak. I didn't do many things because I couldn't do them right. My saying that I'd done an adequate job was what most other people (the non-perfectionist type) would consider excellent. And ahving to do things perfectly keeps one from a lot of joyous experience.

I now paint, badly. But I enjoy it.