Some tips for your stay at any motel

Don’t put the eggs in the microwave – they will explode - they are already cooked.

Even if you land feet first – a flip is still a dive. Our pool is posted no diving.

The safety equipment is for emergencies. It is not a toy. I mean what the signs say about asking you to leave the motel if you use it as a toy.

The Asian guy whom you called boy was the owner.

That employee wasting time on the computer was solving a problem from a previous guest.

Stopping me, just before breakfast starts, to tell me what is missing doesn’t get the item to the breakfast bar.

Please don’t touch the switches – you turned off the waffle iron and now it has to reheat.

Please don’t touch the switches – you turned on the coffeemaker and that’s why it’s overflowing.

If you yell at me before telling me the problem I’m less inclined to be helpful.

If you ask a desk clerk for a date, please take his/her ‘no’ gracefully. S/he doesn’t want to date you, s/he isn’t allowed to date you, and the owner will find out if s/he sneaks off and dates you.

Yes, I'm gay and no I don't mind your questions, but don't ask me to date the other gay man you know. Why? See why the desk clerk won't date you.

Would you do that in your own home? Then why do so here?

You might do that in your own house, but please don’t do that here.

Yes, we allow thongs in our pool area. And, yes, people will stare. If you don’t want the stares, then don’t wear the thong.

If you smoke in a non-smoking room I will charge you for doing so.

Rose petals don’t vacuum up. They have to be picked up by hand. This is one time I’m not going to tell the housekeepers not to use that sort of language. And the potpourri you put on the bed sheets has stained them so that we cannot reuse them. I think I may use that sort of language.